


I Fucking Hate This

by ReachForTheStars



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 07:06:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13806021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReachForTheStars/pseuds/ReachForTheStars
Summary: My Shepard tells Liara the truth.





	I Fucking Hate This

"So, Shepard, why?"

"Why?" I asked sleepily, staring at the ceiling of my cabin and feeling better than I had in months, even though I had to stop the end of the world - well, there went that. I propped myself up on one arm with a sigh.

"When Williams confronted us in the communications room, why did you choose me?"

"We've been in each other's heads, don't you know?"

"Not coherently. I have impressions, like the Prothean vision. If someone asked you why I chose archeology, would you be able to answer exactly, in the same way I would say it?"

"No," I realized, thinking it through, then considering the original question.

"Look," I said finally, "your choices show who you are, right? Your ethics, your politics, your system of analyzing problems - it's all tied together. When we were sitting there in that comm room...all I could think of was the Rachni queen. She wanted to kill it. To kill her...to end that species forever. That's wrong. That...look, don't get me wrong, I like her. Ash, not the rachni," I clarified awkwardly. "She's damn brave and damn good at what she does. But you know that expression, when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail?"

"I was not familiar with it, but I believe I understand the concept. That everyone believes that his or her own means of solving a problem is always the best?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Look, I'm not a huge fan of politicians, but there's a reason we have elected leaders, rather than soldiers, running things. Although that doesn't always help...naturally, I think the galaxy would work a whole lot better if engineers ran it, but the point is, she was a hammer, supporting those Terra Firma jackasses. Well, not supporting, but sympathizing, then. Their whole principle..." I tried to think how to put it. "Look, society's institutions are like a machine, right? Are you familiar with the, uh, 'gear triangle'?"

"What is that?"

"It's a sort of engineering joke. It's three gears all enmeshed so none of them can turn. That's what comes to mind when I think of Terra Firma's ideas. And Ash's."

"I noticed that when we were joined -"

I snorted, partly at the double entendre and partly at how innocently she said that.

"- you think of everything in terms of machines, or systems - things needing to be...improved. In fact, I recall you thinking of 'optimizing' my pleasure...which is great, of course...but I..."

"Yeah, well...look, no one else hears this, OK?" It took a moment for me to actually say this. "You probably didn't detect it because my instinct to not talk about this is so strong. But I fucking hate this. No, not you, I don't mean _this_ , I mean my whole life. I hate fighting. I hate killing. I hate spending my days making things break down instead of fixing them. I hate the fate of the galaxy being on my shoulders, I hate being given power that no one person should have and being expected to do the right things with it, and I hate the whole galaxy apparently being a massive Etch-A-Sketch that Saren's trying to give a good shaking and that I'm supposed to deal with this somehow." I knew I was talking too loud and too fast, but I didn't care anymore - I'd kept a lid on this for too long. I sat up straight. "You know why I joined up? It wasn't about defending the innocent or protecting humanity's honor or anything like that - don't get me wrong, those things are important, and it's moments when I do them that keep me from just saying fuck it all and disappearing. But me at the time, didn't give a damn - I just wanted to get off, away, gone from that little colony and see the galaxy. You know how I reacted when you told me how you'd been able to spend the last few decades? I was jealous. Insanely jealous. That you could just travel, see the marvels of the galaxy and study them instead of blowing them up. Although we do have slightly different interests..." I trailed off, waiting for a reaction.

"Maybe when this is all over, we can do that again," Liara said. "Together."

"That would be amazing. That would be... _optimal_." I wrapped my arm back around Liara and held her, but somehow I knew that it would never be like that, not exactly anyway, it was obvious for reasons I couldn't explain that even if Liara survived what was to come, she wouldn't be the same, after. So I buried my face in her neck, and drank up her intoxicating, wondrous alien scent...and I cursed a galaxy that gave me happiness, only to steal it back.


End file.
